Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I don't get it.....

It's been exactly a year since my daughter was born. And exactly a year since everything that happened to me happened. People told me that time would make the memories fade, appear to less. But I'm writing to say, they're liars. I still remember with clarity how terrified I was to be going into a major surgery. How I felt my body had failed me. How alone I felt. How robbed I felt to not be able to hold my baby for hours after. To not be able to breastfeed like I'd planned.

I want to scream at God and ask Him why so many women have easy deliveries and yet mine was so hard. In fact, I probably have. Why was my delivery so hard, why did I almost die, why wasn't I able to hold or even touch my newborn baby? Why did my first delivery end in a c-section, why did I have to get sick TWICE? I might be able to say "there's some meaning for this crappy happenings" but I struggle with it. It's so not fair.

I know I'm not the only one who has had a traumatic c-section versus a beautiful natural birth. But I just don't get it...

Monday, September 22, 2014

Confession: I Need God

I've gotten pretty horrible at keeping up with this blog. And I wish I hadn't. I wish I carved out time during the week and wrote. Because I miss writing. I miss having something of mine that I can just write stupid things, things I've been thinking or feeling. I miss having those two things that always grounded me: being in the Word, and writing.

Confession: even though I try so hard to put forth a great face for God etc, I struggle. I blame myself for everything that happened when I had Adriana. I blame myself for falling backwards. I blame myself for not remaining steadfast in my beliefs. I allowed myself to slide backwards. Maybe if I had relied on God more, maybe I wouldn't have fallen into depression?

Confession: I rely on myself too much. I rely on the "strength" I think I have. I don't have any. I put on a brave face and act like I'm all there. I'm not. I wake up in the morning and it's all I can do to not put my head back on to my pillow. I'm fighting a battle by myself and I don't want to anymore.

I spend most of my day focusing on my husband and my daughter. And although I love it, I'd love to have the joy in every circumstance that I used to... When hit with panic attacks my senior year of high school, I didn't roll over and let it consume me. I got up and continued living my life. Confession: panic attacks hit, I roll over and get hit in the face over and over again. And I fear the next one before it even hits.

I might not seem to be angry or depressed or unhappy with my life. But I am. I'm angry because I was robbed of having a special bond with my daughter. Depressed? God and I are working on that. Unhappy? I've always been taught-and wholeheartedly believe- that happiness is based on circumstance and joy is constant. So I might be unhappy with a situation or an idea or whatever. But I am beginning to realize that I need to be content with whatever situation God places me in.

Confession: even though the way my daughter came into this world scarred me physically and emotionally, I believe there is a reason it happened. Maybe its unclear to me a year later, but one day I'll know. Things work together for the good of those who love Him, right?

These last few years of my life have been a rollercoaster. I have faced things head on, the way I was raised. I've faced them with God and my family, and I've faced them by myself. Let me tell you, by myself has not been fun. With God?  So much better. The burden may not have gotten lighter but I have people helping me. Praying for me, encouraging me.

Confession: I need help. I need prayer. I need to get my life back where it was. I might not be able to go back, but go forward in my relationships. I need God. I need His help. So I beg you, whoever you are. Please pray for me. Pray for my marriage. Pray for my daughter. Pray for my relationship with God. Whenever, wherever. Please pray for me.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Thoughts~ quick post

Thoughts flood my mind after I saw an old text from a friend.
I don't know if I necessarily care about how people view me, but when someone pleads with me to be open, to not judge them, to be kind with my words, I have to wonder. Do I come across as judgmental and unwilling to waver in my belief of how things should be?
Now, I'm not saying I need to change how I think because I have firm beliefs that God's way is best. Yeah, humans screw up and twist His words and ideas to fit their purposes. I screwed up, I'll admit that to anyone. But I'd like to believe that with God's help I'm doing better.
But if that means I'm coming across judgmental when I give my beliefs, maybe I'm coming across too strong? Maybe I'm trying too hard to push my beliefs on someone else that I knew once believed the same things I did.
I'm really struggling with this whole idea that my friends aren't willing to come to me with things they need to talk about because I've been "judgmental" towards them in the past. I don't believe Jesus would want it to be this way, but maybe I'm wrong? I never condemn the person, never judge the person, but maybe it comes across that way. And I feel so lost and confused about it. How do I fix this? How do I become someone people want to approach when they're not sure if I'll judge them or be like someone else that judged them?

Thursday, August 14, 2014

"Little Wonders"

"Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain...." 
As I write this, my 10 month old daughter sleeps in my arms. I can't believe three quarters of the first year of her life have gone by. She's grown so fast. Changed so much. I find it hard to believe she's the same small baby we brought home at the beginning of last October.
I never knew how much I could love someone until Adriana came to be. Even when she was still growing inside, I had this insane, overwhelming feeling to protect her with everything that I have and everything I am. Now that feeling is 10 times stronger.
Our lives are molded from every little thing that happens to us. In my case, I was shaped into who I am today by hurts, regrets, and decisions from my past. And as much as I want this little girl in my arms to not experience any hurt or regret or anything painful, how could she learn and become who she's meant to be without those things?
I'm cherishing the little things, the bigger things and everything in between. All the little steps, the little smiles, the moments where I want to knock my head against a wall because I'm so frustrated with things happening in my life. Because in the end of it all, I am shaped into the person I need to be, and used the way God wants me to be used.
I'm open for anything. Ready to be used. I know all the little moments are little wonders, and those small, seemingly insignificant hours, are what shapes me. Are you ready to cherish every small thing to happen in your life?

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Late Night Confessions

I told you in an earlier post that I had a beautiful baby girl, and that I'm a stay at home mom and wife.... I love being home, love being a wife, love being a mom. I also told you that I became sick...

A little history on that. While I was in labor with my daughter,  I ended up with an infection due to my water breaking 24 hours before. Don't ask me the technical name of that infection because I don't remember. In the course of labor, I stopped breathing, so they had to put an oxygen mask on. And because labor was not progressing, I ended up having a c - section. Because of the infection I had developed, my daughter was rushed to the NICU for observation.

While they stitched me up and everything else, my husband was with our daughter. I went into shock and lost a lot of blood and as a result, I ended up in the recovery room for awhile. I didn't get to hold my daughter till at least 3 hours after her arrival. Nurses kept a close eye on me since I was still shivering from loss of blood.

I went home the Friday after my c-section. By that Sunday, I was being taken back to the hospital because of a 102° fever. I had developed another infection. This time, I was in the hospital for a week. My fever would go down, and then spike up again. Day after day, I sat in the hospital alone.

My husband was scared and terrified, but taking care of our daughter alone, making formula where he'd never made formula before, or changed dirty diapers. He did a pretty good job for being a first time dad.

When I came home, I was in a lot of pain still, and we had to make sure to clean my incision. Hurt a lot. The week after I came home, I began having a pain in my right side. I was convinced it was just a bladder infection. Until I couldn't breathe because the pain was so bad. When I went in for a postpartum checkup, I started bawling my eyes out because my doctor wanted me to lay down on the table and I couldn't. I was sent to get a CT scan, where they discovered a pulmonary embolism. Big term for a scary thing- a blood clot in my lung that could have killed me. Back into the hospital I went. Stayed for only a couple days but still time I missed with my new baby girl.

Because of the trauma, I became depressed.  No one was surprised when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. And because of everything that had happened the whole month of October, my husband and I decided that I should quit my job and stay home with baby.

Now we're up to speed. My baby is 7 months old, and she's doing beautifully.  But that's not what prompted this late night blog.

You see, I'm terrified to have another baby in the future. I don't understand why, with my huge desire to have kids, why this all happened. Why I have a scar from a c - section I didn't want. Why I have medication I have to take to keep blood clotting at bay.

I feel like sometimes all this happened because I got pregnant before I was married. Is the c - section and subsequent details surrounding my daughter's birth my fault? Would this all have not happened if I had waited for the baby?

To be honest, I feel like a failure as a mom. Why would I bring another baby into this world later on knowing I would have to have another c-section, knowing my incision could become infected once more. I'm terrified. The fear runs deep, and though people tell me that it's still too soon to think about more children, that of course all the trauma still affects me, that I'll get over it, I don't think I ever will.

I have emotional damage because I missed almost a whole month of my daughter's life outside me. How could I do that again? Emotional damage because I feel like my body betrayed me. Yes, my daughter is fine. Yes, I'm on the road to recovery. But I hate, yes HATE, talking about my baby girl's birth. Isn't it supposed to be one of the best days of your life as a woman??

I hate knowing I didn't get to see my daughter as soon as she was born. I hate that I didn't get to touch her, to cuddle her close as soon as they had swaddled her. I hate that my body betrayed me. I hate that I almost gave her an infection before she was even here. I hate that I'm so fearful of having another baby.

I hate that I feel like a failure. I hate that I didn't get to nurse my baby like I wanted to. I hate that any medication I'm taking further destroyed my chances of nursing my daughter.

So my late night confession is this: I'm too terrified, too scarred by the realization that I almost died several times. I'm not saying I regret my beautiful daughter,  because I don't regret her at all. I just have an instinct deep down that she will be my only baby. And for some reason, I am content with that....

Knowing I have this off my chest is a relief, I hate keeping it inside. And my husband,  though we've talked about it, seems to not understand my fears and turmoil...

Anyway, have a good night.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

A Little Bit of Honesty....

Sometimes I struggle with who I am. I open my eyes in the morning and I know who I am. And throughout the course of the day I lose that. That confidence of knowing. That strength in knowing who I am. That power of knowing I'm going in the right direction. I don't know who I am now.

Something in me is broken. I know that. I don't know if it broke when my life took a wrong turn and I was abused by my first boyfriend. I don't know if it broke when I tried to make it through the torture of that bad relationship by myself. I don't know when it happened. I just know something is broken.

As much as I try to fix that hole, that part of my that's broken, I can't. The man I married can't fix it. My beautiful daughter can't fix it.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I became involved with my husband is because I thought he could fix me. He opened my eyes to how a relationship should be, but he didn't fix me. I was broken, and I am broken.

No one knows how deeply hurt I was. No one would ever understand how deeply hurt, abused, and neglected I was. People have told me to just get over that boy because he was clearly just an immature boy. No one has told me how to get over someone who stole ME. How do I move on from being an abuse victim?

I see others in bad relationships and I ache for them. I try to help them, to open their eyes. But how do I help someone who doesn't want to be helped? How do I tell them that I was once in their shoes??

I lost myself when I became involved with that boy. In more ways than I could ever say. I lost how I was-strong, confident, hard to push around. I'm gaining some of that, but I can't go back and have all of that in the snap of my fingers. I'm trying to find myself, to relearn myself all over again.

But as much as I try to find myself in being a wife, a mother, that will never be all that I am. I am more than a wife, a mother. I am more than a daughter, friend, sister.

I am not invisible. Someone knows what I went through. He will always be there. I am His daughter. I am the daughter of the King. And through Him I will heal. Through Him, I know who I am. I know where I am going.

And though I don't understand how and why I had everything happen to me the way it did, I am a new creation through my Father.

And you are too. No matter what you've done. No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can become new in Him. You can see things through the eyes of the Healer.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Hello Again

Well it's been about a year since I last posted...

So much has happened in my life. Found out I was pregnant, got married, had a baby girl, got sick, quit my job to stay home with my baby girl.

So what sparked my return to blogging? I need somewhere to let out my thoughts and feelings again. Staying at home with my beautiful daughter is more rewarding than I expected, but at the same time, it's harder than I thought.

Some days, I barely speak at all. Just listen to everything around me. My days are rarely spent with the same people I used to spend my time talking to. My life is so much more different than theirs.

Now, I'm not complaining at all. Don't get me wrong. I love being a stay at home mommy. I love seeing my daughter grow and change. But it's still hard. Hard seeing her cry without knowing what to do for her. Hard knowing my life has changed so much that most people don't want to talk to me, or be in my life anymore.

Some of that is my fault, I know. My life has gone in a different direction than my friends in high school, or even some friends after high school, would have imagined. I didn't keep in touch. And now that I have no "job," people assume my life is not that busy. But it is. I have a husband and a 5 month old daughter who depend on me. Sometimes I don't get done what I wake up in the morning saying I'll do.

Earlier today, I felt like one of my closest friends is replacing me. We've developed a close relationship over the last year, and suddenly we barely talk...Why shouldn't she replace me? Why not find a young woman who is almost exactly like her? Single, no worries, no one really depending on her. Responsibilities don't include a husband and child.

Should I just let go of this friendship and rejoice that I had her as a friend for as long as I did? And rejoice that I have the best friend in the world-my husband?

Anyway, thank you to whoever you are for listening! God bless!