Sunday, March 23, 2014

A Little Bit of Honesty....

Sometimes I struggle with who I am. I open my eyes in the morning and I know who I am. And throughout the course of the day I lose that. That confidence of knowing. That strength in knowing who I am. That power of knowing I'm going in the right direction. I don't know who I am now.

Something in me is broken. I know that. I don't know if it broke when my life took a wrong turn and I was abused by my first boyfriend. I don't know if it broke when I tried to make it through the torture of that bad relationship by myself. I don't know when it happened. I just know something is broken.

As much as I try to fix that hole, that part of my that's broken, I can't. The man I married can't fix it. My beautiful daughter can't fix it.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I became involved with my husband is because I thought he could fix me. He opened my eyes to how a relationship should be, but he didn't fix me. I was broken, and I am broken.

No one knows how deeply hurt I was. No one would ever understand how deeply hurt, abused, and neglected I was. People have told me to just get over that boy because he was clearly just an immature boy. No one has told me how to get over someone who stole ME. How do I move on from being an abuse victim?

I see others in bad relationships and I ache for them. I try to help them, to open their eyes. But how do I help someone who doesn't want to be helped? How do I tell them that I was once in their shoes??

I lost myself when I became involved with that boy. In more ways than I could ever say. I lost how I was-strong, confident, hard to push around. I'm gaining some of that, but I can't go back and have all of that in the snap of my fingers. I'm trying to find myself, to relearn myself all over again.

But as much as I try to find myself in being a wife, a mother, that will never be all that I am. I am more than a wife, a mother. I am more than a daughter, friend, sister.

I am not invisible. Someone knows what I went through. He will always be there. I am His daughter. I am the daughter of the King. And through Him I will heal. Through Him, I know who I am. I know where I am going.

And though I don't understand how and why I had everything happen to me the way it did, I am a new creation through my Father.

And you are too. No matter what you've done. No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can become new in Him. You can see things through the eyes of the Healer.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Hello Again

Well it's been about a year since I last posted...

So much has happened in my life. Found out I was pregnant, got married, had a baby girl, got sick, quit my job to stay home with my baby girl.

So what sparked my return to blogging? I need somewhere to let out my thoughts and feelings again. Staying at home with my beautiful daughter is more rewarding than I expected, but at the same time, it's harder than I thought.

Some days, I barely speak at all. Just listen to everything around me. My days are rarely spent with the same people I used to spend my time talking to. My life is so much more different than theirs.

Now, I'm not complaining at all. Don't get me wrong. I love being a stay at home mommy. I love seeing my daughter grow and change. But it's still hard. Hard seeing her cry without knowing what to do for her. Hard knowing my life has changed so much that most people don't want to talk to me, or be in my life anymore.

Some of that is my fault, I know. My life has gone in a different direction than my friends in high school, or even some friends after high school, would have imagined. I didn't keep in touch. And now that I have no "job," people assume my life is not that busy. But it is. I have a husband and a 5 month old daughter who depend on me. Sometimes I don't get done what I wake up in the morning saying I'll do.

Earlier today, I felt like one of my closest friends is replacing me. We've developed a close relationship over the last year, and suddenly we barely talk...Why shouldn't she replace me? Why not find a young woman who is almost exactly like her? Single, no worries, no one really depending on her. Responsibilities don't include a husband and child.

Should I just let go of this friendship and rejoice that I had her as a friend for as long as I did? And rejoice that I have the best friend in the world-my husband?

Anyway, thank you to whoever you are for listening! God bless!