Sometimes I struggle with who I am. I open my eyes in the morning and I know who I am. And throughout the course of the day I lose that. That confidence of knowing. That strength in knowing who I am. That power of knowing I'm going in the right direction. I don't know who I am now.
Something in me is broken. I know that. I don't know if it broke when my life took a wrong turn and I was abused by my first boyfriend. I don't know if it broke when I tried to make it through the torture of that bad relationship by myself. I don't know when it happened. I just know something is broken.
As much as I try to fix that hole, that part of my that's broken, I can't. The man I married can't fix it. My beautiful daughter can't fix it.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason I became involved with my husband is because I thought he could fix me. He opened my eyes to how a relationship should be, but he didn't fix me. I was broken, and I am broken.
No one knows how deeply hurt I was. No one would ever understand how deeply hurt, abused, and neglected I was. People have told me to just get over that boy because he was clearly just an immature boy. No one has told me how to get over someone who stole ME. How do I move on from being an abuse victim?
I see others in bad relationships and I ache for them. I try to help them, to open their eyes. But how do I help someone who doesn't want to be helped? How do I tell them that I was once in their shoes??
I lost myself when I became involved with that boy. In more ways than I could ever say. I lost how I was-strong, confident, hard to push around. I'm gaining some of that, but I can't go back and have all of that in the snap of my fingers. I'm trying to find myself, to relearn myself all over again.
But as much as I try to find myself in being a wife, a mother, that will never be all that I am. I am more than a wife, a mother. I am more than a daughter, friend, sister.
I am not invisible. Someone knows what I went through. He will always be there. I am His daughter. I am the daughter of the King. And through Him I will heal. Through Him, I know who I am. I know where I am going.
And though I don't understand how and why I had everything happen to me the way it did, I am a new creation through my Father.
And you are too. No matter what you've done. No matter what has happened to you in the past, you can become new in Him. You can see things through the eyes of the Healer.