Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I don't get it.....

It's been exactly a year since my daughter was born. And exactly a year since everything that happened to me happened. People told me that time would make the memories fade, appear to less. But I'm writing to say, they're liars. I still remember with clarity how terrified I was to be going into a major surgery. How I felt my body had failed me. How alone I felt. How robbed I felt to not be able to hold my baby for hours after. To not be able to breastfeed like I'd planned.

I want to scream at God and ask Him why so many women have easy deliveries and yet mine was so hard. In fact, I probably have. Why was my delivery so hard, why did I almost die, why wasn't I able to hold or even touch my newborn baby? Why did my first delivery end in a c-section, why did I have to get sick TWICE? I might be able to say "there's some meaning for this crappy happenings" but I struggle with it. It's so not fair.

I know I'm not the only one who has had a traumatic c-section versus a beautiful natural birth. But I just don't get it...

Monday, September 22, 2014

Confession: I Need God

I've gotten pretty horrible at keeping up with this blog. And I wish I hadn't. I wish I carved out time during the week and wrote. Because I miss writing. I miss having something of mine that I can just write stupid things, things I've been thinking or feeling. I miss having those two things that always grounded me: being in the Word, and writing.

Confession: even though I try so hard to put forth a great face for God etc, I struggle. I blame myself for everything that happened when I had Adriana. I blame myself for falling backwards. I blame myself for not remaining steadfast in my beliefs. I allowed myself to slide backwards. Maybe if I had relied on God more, maybe I wouldn't have fallen into depression?

Confession: I rely on myself too much. I rely on the "strength" I think I have. I don't have any. I put on a brave face and act like I'm all there. I'm not. I wake up in the morning and it's all I can do to not put my head back on to my pillow. I'm fighting a battle by myself and I don't want to anymore.

I spend most of my day focusing on my husband and my daughter. And although I love it, I'd love to have the joy in every circumstance that I used to... When hit with panic attacks my senior year of high school, I didn't roll over and let it consume me. I got up and continued living my life. Confession: panic attacks hit, I roll over and get hit in the face over and over again. And I fear the next one before it even hits.

I might not seem to be angry or depressed or unhappy with my life. But I am. I'm angry because I was robbed of having a special bond with my daughter. Depressed? God and I are working on that. Unhappy? I've always been taught-and wholeheartedly believe- that happiness is based on circumstance and joy is constant. So I might be unhappy with a situation or an idea or whatever. But I am beginning to realize that I need to be content with whatever situation God places me in.

Confession: even though the way my daughter came into this world scarred me physically and emotionally, I believe there is a reason it happened. Maybe its unclear to me a year later, but one day I'll know. Things work together for the good of those who love Him, right?

These last few years of my life have been a rollercoaster. I have faced things head on, the way I was raised. I've faced them with God and my family, and I've faced them by myself. Let me tell you, by myself has not been fun. With God?  So much better. The burden may not have gotten lighter but I have people helping me. Praying for me, encouraging me.

Confession: I need help. I need prayer. I need to get my life back where it was. I might not be able to go back, but go forward in my relationships. I need God. I need His help. So I beg you, whoever you are. Please pray for me. Pray for my marriage. Pray for my daughter. Pray for my relationship with God. Whenever, wherever. Please pray for me.